The Life Lie

Samantha Bauer(00:01.287)
Welcome back to Sisters in Law of Attraction. I'm Sam. And we're so glad you're with us. if you've been with us for a while or you're just now tuning in, welcome. we're so happy you're with us. so this time, Christine, we're gonna get into this whole issue of self-sabotage. And how, right? And how we literally can

Christine Goforth(00:04.871)
I'm Christine.

Christine Goforth(00:20.374)
Yes, I love it. It's

Samantha Bauer(00:28.117)
We talk about the power of the mind, but also the power of the mind is not can also do really negative things. And you know, when we set out to to do achieve something or we're, you know, getting close to to success, you know, this whole thing of self-sabotage comes in and you know, there's it it kind of can manifest itself in different ways, you know, everything from procrastination to, you know, perfectionism.

Christine Goforth(00:35.266)
Mm-hmm.

Christine Goforth(00:54.242)
Mm-hmm.

Samantha Bauer(00:58.003)
Two

Christine Goforth(00:58.122)
Staying somewhere too long. Not growing. Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(01:00.697)
Yes. Yes. Yeah. I love that you just said that. because literally I just I was listening to Scott Galloway's notes on being a man. I'm still listening to it. I'd given the book to my my son for Christmas and he's almost through it, but he literally said like if you're gonna fail, fail fast. Know when to leave, right?

Christine Goforth(01:27.288)
Yeah. Yep, yeah.

Samantha Bauer(01:29.583)
And and so that I love that you just said that. So so you know, part of self sabotage too is just continuing to stay in the same situation and not getting anywhere and staying stagnant and and not growing. Right. And and that could that actually could could serve you in a way because it's sort of like, well, you know, and again goes to one of our past episodes where he's like, Well, I tried. I tried. Yes.

Christine Goforth(01:41.046)
Right. S exactly. Yep.

Christine Goforth(01:53.92)
Uh-huh. Or this is comfortable. This is comfortable. It's what I know. It's comfortable. and again, it's all it always goes back to this is comfortable. This is working for me. So I don't need to do anything more. I don't need to I don't need to even try to fail because this I'm succeeding at and I'm doing so good. And so I'll just keep yep. Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(02:12.978)
Yes.

Samantha Bauer(02:19.611)
I'm I'm I'm I'm comfortable.

Samantha Bauer(02:19.611)
Yeah. And that reminds me too, so just recently my daughter just finished up her second year of law school and she left a very comfortable job and just moved to Dallas and she's gonna go do something totally different. And because she has always wanted to be in Dallas and she doesn't really know anybody, but you know, she got she got an internship with the City of Dallas City Attorney's Office, and same thing with my son.

Christine Goforth(02:40.622)
Crazy. Good for her.

Samantha Bauer(02:52.939)
He leaves actually today to Boston for training for an entire week. And, you know, there and I love, I gotta tell you right now, I adore the fact that my kids who are two young adults, now Maximile 21, thank the Lord, that they're in the same city together and they're hanging out.

Christine Goforth(03:05.175)
Yes.

Christine Goforth(03:11.078)
So fun. That is success, period. Period. Dot as a parent, if your kids are hanging out as an as adults freely, no obligation to do so, that you've succeeded.

Samantha Bauer(03:14.564)
I mean it

Samantha Bauer(03:26.225)
Yeah. Yeah. It and it's just so fun that they were sitting on the couch the other night and talking about, you know, they're both a little nervous about starting this new adventure and and and Maddie goes, We kinda looked at each other and go, What the hell are we doing?

Christine Goforth(03:35.596)
Yeah.

Christine Goforth(03:40.398)
Nobody taught us how to be like real young adults. Hold on.

Samantha Bauer(03:45.417)
Like what what why are we here? What is this? I said you're taking risks. You're doing exactly what you need to be doing in your twenties. You need right? Yeah.

Christine Goforth(03:53.354)
Okay, but where's the manual? Right.

Samantha Bauer(03:56.541)
Yeah. And and I I said, well, thankfully you guys were both, you know, trained to be badasses. And so you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna seek those those those opportunities out that make you uncomfortable. And you've both have been very comfortable with being uncomfortable and it's a great place place to be. And so it is, it's fun, it's fun to watch, you know, watch them do their thing. but get that it's scary. And you know, I was talking to to Maddie the other day and she goes,

Christine Goforth(04:01.313)
Yeah.

Christine Goforth(04:07.981)
Mm.

Christine Goforth(04:17.932)
Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(04:23.175)
Mom, how easy would it have been for me to just stay where I was at? It was comfortable. I knew everyone, you know, and all that. And I said, because you were so committed to your vision and a goal that you set out for yourself that you're like, I'm gonna because I said you could you you you can always go and come back, but you can't always go, right?

Christine Goforth(04:37.325)
Mm.

Christine Goforth(04:50.697)
Right. Well, that's a great way of putting it, right?

Samantha Bauer(04:53.159)
Yeah, yeah. And I actually Paul, my husband just said that the other day, he had heard that, so I c I can't take total credit for that. But anyhow, so so the point is is that yes, we stay in situations because it's comfortable, even though it may be self-sabotage.

Christine Goforth(05:13.739)
Right. And I think that a lot of times that are obviously we're not thinking, I'm self sabotaging right now. By making this choice, I am really screwing my future self over. Obviously it's wrapped up in something that disguises itself to be beneficial in the moment, even though long term it's

Samantha Bauer(05:24.113)
You're right.

Samantha Bauer(05:36.68)
Right.

Christine Goforth(05:39.998)
It is keeping you where you are. It's keeping you stagnant. It's making you not giving you the chance to grow opportunities. And yeah, I just I think that there are so many different ways that we self sabotage that we don't even we wouldn't either consider it self sabotaging or we wouldn't even have thought of it until it was brought to our attention. Right? Like

Samantha Bauer(05:59.133)
Yep.

Samantha Bauer(06:03.937)
Exactly. Yeah, exactly. And I think yeah, some of the c other common ways that people self sabotage is you know, overthinking. Second guessing, right? Just

Christine Goforth(06:12.894)
yeah, yeah. yes. huh.

Samantha Bauer(06:18.033)
Yeah, my daughter's the queen of this. And I just, you know, she overthinks everything. And I'm like, you literally just created a problem that did not exist by over overthinking, second guessing. Same thing with in the self-sabotage arena. You you sabotage yourself by progress because you're constantly second guessing everything you did. Right. And so that there's a lack of confidence in in yourself, you know. so there's

Christine Goforth(06:22.721)
Then mine's the princess. Right. Mm-hmm.

Christine Goforth(06:39.693)
Mm. Absolutely.

Samantha Bauer(06:48.679)
And I think the other other things too is just you know, that whole again, negative self talk or harsh self criticism, right? That taking a bit.

Christine Goforth(06:56.747)
Yep, I just was I think it might be in the book that we spoke about last episode, The Life Lie. Is that have you come across that? Okay, it's and maybe it's not let me see here. Maybe it's not in the book. I let me see.

Samantha Bauer(07:07.685)
No, no. Okay.

Samantha Bauer(07:17.179)
It's called the Life Lie. Okay.

Christine Goforth(07:18.975)
The life lie and it is

Christine Goforth(07:18.975)
See here, give me. Sorry, let's see. Yeah, it is. it is let's see here. One of the closest Adlerian concepts to self-sabotage is what the book calls a life lie, and it's those narrations that we talk about. I'm just not good at XYZ. I'm just not really good at organizing, so I'm I'm just living chaos.

Samantha Bauer(07:26.761)
Sure, yeah.

Samantha Bauer(07:42.717)
Yep.

Samantha Bauer(07:52.594)
Right.

Christine Goforth(07:52.663)
I'm just whatever it is, right? The stories that we tell ourselves that help us excuse the inaction or it helps to shift the responsibility off of ourselves, right? I wasn't able to do this because I'm just not good at it, or I just am not a good reader, or I didn't really have the time, or whatever it is. It's just that story that we tell ourselves that.

Samantha Bauer(07:56.264)
Yes.

Samantha Bauer(08:07.141)
Absolutely.

Samantha Bauer(08:11.581)
Right.

Samantha Bauer(08:11.581)
Yep.

Samantha Bauer(08:19.705)
Exactly.

Christine Goforth(08:20.64)
keeps us thinking that we're not good enough, we're not worthy enough, we don't deserve it, we don't earn it, we what right? We all have our own. And we all I think again, the the most important part is being aware that we all have it and when to tell it to shut up.

Samantha Bauer(08:27.665)
Right, right. And I did

Samantha Bauer(08:37.704)
Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(08:41.219)
Exactly. Exactly. And I think what what came to mind, Christina, as you were talking, is and we've talked about this before on the podcast, is bu Byron Cady's the work, right? If you have this thought and you know it's not serving you and you think, you know, I I'm always, you know, I

Christine Goforth(08:51.584)
Mm-hmm.

Samantha Bauer(09:00.497)
I'm never gonna be successful because of X, Y, and Z. And so she takes you through those series of questions is, you know, how does this make you feel if you think this? What if you didn't think this? You know, so it's it's a very simple, and we've talked about it before, is is that's how you can really kind of get to that that, you know, the basis or foundation of that sort of negative self-talk or or negative.

Christine Goforth(09:12.992)
Mm-hmm.

Christine Goforth(09:26.732)
Kind of the root of it, right? Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(09:29.083)
And and really challenge yourself on like why why do I know this? Or why do I think this? I don't know this, I think it, right? and I think the other thing too, you know, on self-sabotage, you know, it's a it's I think it's certainly a learned behavior, but the one thing that concept that I have a hard time with is just the we talked about the fear of failure, but the fear of success is real. And I don't but I don't get it.

Christine Goforth(09:35.958)
Mm-hmm.

Christine Goforth(09:50.614)
Mm-hmm.

Christine Goforth(09:50.614)
Right.

Christine Goforth(09:50.614)
I don't I'm not scared of being successful. I'll take it, universe, I'll take it.

Samantha Bauer(09:57.641)
Right? I mean, but but but for a lot of people it's it's true because but if you if you peel it away, what does it mean to find success? Well, if you do work at something and and you achieve it and you're successful.

Samantha Bauer(09:57.641)
It took discipline, focus. So maybe maybe you're scared like, crap, if I actually put the work in and do the hard stuff and I succeed, then crap, I have to keep on doing it. Right. Right? Yeah. So anyhow, I I I

Christine Goforth(10:23.084)
Mm-hmm.

Christine Goforth(10:35.774)
Then what do I right? Then then what do I do? I just have to keep doing it over and over?

Samantha Bauer(10:48.829)
I recognize that there's plenty of life experiences that develop this self-sabotage, you know, behavior, you know, in folks. And and you know, also too, self-sabotage takes time and work, right? I mean, it it it you you have to spend a lot of time on your thought pattern.

Christine Goforth(11:07.872)
Mm-hmm.

Christine Goforth(11:13.241)
yeah. Well and I think too it's

Christine Goforth(11:13.241)
It takes time to solve sabotage and it it's

Christine Goforth(11:13.241)
What am I trying to say?

Christine Goforth(11:31.648)
Let me g give me one second to gather my thoughts because I had a really good point.

Samantha Bauer(11:36.209)
But hey, we're we're gonna give you all the time you need.

Christine Goforth(11:44.702)
Okay. See, I'm saying do what did you say? 'Cause something you said ha like triggered and I was like and then it would've come out.

Samantha Bauer(11:51.817)
I said that that negative talk takes time and effort. It takes it takes effort to to build that sort of negative narrative or whatever. So that's all right. We could

Christine Goforth(11:57.485)
Takes time.

Christine Goforth(12:02.954)
Yep, it's gone. Whatever I was gonna say is gone. That's so annoying. Okay.

Samantha Bauer(12:08.482)
okay, so let me I'm gonna

Christine Goforth(12:16.426)
I was gonna link it to the I looked down in my notes and it was trauma as an explanation that limits actions. And so I was gonna tie it into that, but I and I had a good thought to do that and then it escaped me. So

Samantha Bauer(12:29.991)
Okay, so I'll just start with how about we just I'll start with the time and then you can you can twist you can turn it to to what you just said. Yeah, yeah. so and also, you know, this whole self-sabotage takes time and effort, right? I mean the effort and the time that you spend in building all this negative

Christine Goforth(12:36.426)
That's perfect.

Samantha Bauer(12:49.863)
you know, thoughts and and loop in your head, you could be doing the opposite, right? And so it does. And the whole point is it takes time to to do the self the negative self talk.

Christine Goforth(12:55.784)
Right. Right.

Christine Goforth(13:00.64)
Well, and if we have time to do the negative self-talk, we have time to pump ourselves up, right? It's just so much easier and for some reason our brains naturally tend to find the negative. And and I think that in that kind of tying it back to again last episode and the book that you're reading and and trauma being real or not and

Samantha Bauer(13:06.226)
Exactly.

Samantha Bauer(13:13.95)
Right.

Christine Goforth(13:29.948)
Having having gone through trauma and then taking it with you, using that as an explanation or a crutch to lean on, that also can just come so naturally to somebody, and then you're in that pattern. And so it's easy to stay in the negativity and it's easy to especially if you don't have somebody.

Samantha Bauer(13:39.934)
Right.

Samantha Bauer(13:50.109)
Right.

Christine Goforth(13:59.274)
To help guide you to break the loop, to break the thought pattern, or you're not reading the books or doing any kind of work, that is where you're stuck. And the sooner you can break that loop, the sooner you become aware of it, the sooner you can start one thought at a time, as far as like replacement, right? It's it's you're building brick by brick. If you're if you're if each negative thought is

Samantha Bauer(14:08.144)
Right. Right.

Samantha Bauer(14:21.352)
Mm-hmm.

Christine Goforth(14:29.147)
a brick down the negative pathway, then let's undo those, right? You gotta first unlearn. You gotta unpave those bricks and then put them down a different neural pathway, right? yeah.

Samantha Bauer(14:39.475)
Right.

Samantha Bauer(14:39.475)
Right. Yeah, no, it's yeah, yeah, in in a recent article in very well mind and Barbara Field wrote wrote the article, you know, she talks about you know

Samantha Bauer(14:39.475)
the why we s self-sabotage, right? And so, you know, it's, you know, everything from difficult childhood experiences. She talks about, you know, problems in relationships that if you self-sabotage in relationships, it might be due to past experiences that impact how you approach new connections. and you know, I I'm not gonna totally out out, you know, my daughter, but I mean I th this kind of reminds me of her just, you know, I mean, just like you know, dating and having relationships and and

Christine Goforth(15:26.015)
Mm-hmm.

Samantha Bauer(15:28.157)
you know, staying away from sabotaging behavior because of your past experience. It's like, well, it it happened here, so of course it's gonna happen in happen again or or whatever.

Christine Goforth(15:33.408)
Sure.

Christine Goforth(15:38.219)
So it's such a form of protection, right? Like b but you're not really protecting yourself, right? It's like you you think you are.

Samantha Bauer(15:41.961)
Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(15:41.961)
Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(15:41.961)
No, right. And and and also not having

Samantha Bauer(15:41.961)
Right. And not having the faith that, you know, or again, it's about applying meaning. Why don't instead of, gosh, I I'm just, you know, I'm never gonna find true love. You know, I have these terrible relationships, you know. What if it's it's you don't think that? What if you thought, you know what, I've had to have these experiences and these relationships to get me to finally finding the love of my life and the person I'm gonna be happy with the rest of my life? And so

Christine Goforth(16:15.467)
Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(16:21.611)
So you know, as a as a parent, yeah Yeah. Right.

Christine Goforth(16:21.727)
They were all stepping it's all stepping stones, right? Like Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(16:27.473)
Right. And so so again, it's how we apply meaning to our experiences slash trauma slash whatever. and then of course Barbara Fields says, you know, that you know the other main reason we self-sabotage is low self-esteem, right? People who are prone to self-sabotage, they they act in ways that confirm their negative self-beliefs. They have a negative self-belief.

Christine Goforth(16:35.071)
Right.

Christine Goforth(16:54.739)
Well, because if I act this way then and I know that I'm acting this way, then when somebody else does it or says it, it doesn't hurt so bad or right, and it's I probably can't succeed, so I won't try and

Samantha Bauer(17:04.645)
Yeah. Right. Right.

Samantha Bauer(17:11.387)
Right, right, right. So it's it's you you know it's again it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you have these negative self-beliefs, then you're going to continue to sabotage yourself to be in alignment with that thinking, right? It goes it goes d it comes down to cognitive dissonance, right? It's like you can't

Christine Goforth(17:22.901)
Right.

Christine Goforth(17:28.587)
Я

Samantha Bauer(17:31.633)
If you think negative about yourself, you're never gonna be anything, but then yet what if you succeed over here? Then you're uncomfortable because it's like, this success is not in alignment with my self-belief that I suck.

Christine Goforth(17:38.837)
Right.

Christine Goforth(17:45.311)
That I say exactly. So therefore, what do we do with this success? Right? You either abandon what you're comfortable with, i.e., the self-sabotage, and you allow yourself to expand and bloom and grow and shoot for the stars, but that's scary, right? And so it's just so much easier to not and

Samantha Bauer(17:55.07)
Right.

Samantha Bauer(18:10.749)
Right. Right. And then I think Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Christine Goforth(18:12.819)
It's just getting out of that and knowing that you're worth it.

Samantha Bauer(18:17.981)
Yeah, and I I I again it comes down to the power of those thoughts and that loop in your head. You know, I I think I talked about before when when I wrote the book and you know, I I did a bunch of speaking and talking to students and encouraging young people to to write. And the you know, I talk about or I asked the kids, I said, Who has that little man in their head telling them they can't write? They don't know how to write. And they almost all of them raise their hands, right? And so I mean

Christine Goforth(18:47.338)
Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(18:47.925)
Many people, right? They have that block.

Christine Goforth(18:50.675)
Mm-hmm.

Samantha Bauer(18:50.811)
to to do the the thinking and the writing because all they're hearing in their head is you're you suck at writing. my God, why'd you write that? That doesn't make any sense. You know constant criticism. Yeah. Constant criticism in in the head. You know, and so I think same thing back when I was in high school, I mean I was not a mathematician, but I was successful, you know, student and so whatever. I tutored some of the my teammates.

Christine Goforth(19:01.344)
that breaks my heart. that breaks my heart.

Samantha Bauer(19:20.755)
you know, on the softball team in well, I mean, don't ask me to do any kind of high school math right now, because forget that. Jeez. Wasn't even close to calculus. And I my looking at what my son did I I'm like, that's a whole nother program. But I remember just starting out in when I was doing the tutoring, and we would sit down and I would say, Okay, first, we're not even gonna do math. We're gonna work on

Christine Goforth(19:22.613)
Yeah.

Christine Goforth(19:32.169)
No.

Christine Goforth(19:35.998)
Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(19:48.209)
how we feel about math and how we feel and so like because I and I said, well, how do you think you, you know, you know, what do you think your ability with math is or whatever? You know, I suck at it. I said, okay, well, we're not even gonna get started until you fix that. You literally have to fix the belief before you can Yeah. And so I I remembered, I mean here I have like what 17 years old and I'm like coaching these girls up on changing their mindset over math.

Christine Goforth(20:02.824)
Yep. It all starts in the mind.

Christine Goforth(20:12.446)
Little Sam's like Nope.

Christine Goforth(20:12.446)
I am your mindset coach and your math tutor. Mindset coach first.

Samantha Bauer(20:20.657)
Yeah, I know. I remember got a little weird with a couple of them and they're like, Sam, can you just help me with this problem? I said, No, I can't, because we have to fix your brain and the thoughts in your head. I mean, you're a kid-class softball player, so you we might as well just write, we know that. And you feel good about your ability on the softball field. So right.

Christine Goforth(20:35.964)
Yeah. Right, yeah. Yes.

Christine Goforth(20:35.964)
Let's transfer that over to math. Let's go.

Samantha Bauer(20:45.661)
Come on. my god. So funny. You know what? I should really listen to my own bullshit sometimes.

Christine Goforth(20:52.01)
You know what? Amen to that.

Christine Goforth(20:52.01)
Seriously?

Samantha Bauer(20:57.393)
Right, right. Well, I think as we as we kind of come to a closer, Christine, in this article that I was talking about from Barbara Field wrote and so she she said there's questions that you can ask yourself if you think you're self top self self-sabotaging, ask yourself, is your behavior aligning with your goals? If not, what is stopping you from taking action to make your dreams come true? So you know, I think for our you know, our listeners

Samantha Bauer(20:57.393)
is, you know, is is there something in your life or a goal, you know, you're trying to achieve, and your behavior is not aligning with that goal. I think, I think what comes to mind for me is, you know, over the years, right, trying to lose weight, dieting, whatever, and I would do good Monday through Friday. And then on the weekends, I would totally sabotage my progress because I want to reward myself.

Christine Goforth(21:33.566)
Mm-hmm.

Christine Goforth(21:45.918)
Mm-hmm.

Christine Goforth(21:45.918)
Sure.

Christine Goforth(21:54.324)
Sure. Right. Right.

Samantha Bauer(21:57.137)
And so then Monday I'm starting kind of starting over again. Like what the hell?

Christine Goforth(22:00.587)
yeah, a whole roller coaster.

Samantha Bauer(22:04.333)
So I mean I think that that's a very small but very common goal. I mean c you know, goal of, you know, j just trying to eat eat healthy, you know, lose weight or whatever. And like again, I would do good all week and then completely self sabotage myself on on the weekends.

Christine Goforth(22:18.75)
Well, and everybody does it. I we were just having these discussions in my family as far as like what would it look like if every single person only did the things that they knew were good for them, period. Like everybody would be going to bed on time, waking up on time, not having a cocktail, not like I mean, everything from

Samantha Bauer(22:33.127)
Right.

Christine Goforth(22:43.3)
working out a certain number of times, getting the X amount of steps in, making sure you're eating it's just not real life. That's not realistic at all. That's not how we live. And so where is it that you're living life, but also in alignment with your goals and not sabotaging yourself, right?

Samantha Bauer(22:50.851)
Right. Exactly.

Samantha Bauer(23:01.287)
Right. Exactly. That's that that's the key. So well, like always, it goes way, way too fast. So it's so good to see you. And to our listeners, thank you so much for joining us on Sisters in Law of Attraction. I'm Sam. And we'll see you next time. Bye.

Christine Goforth(23:09.125)
I know you do.

Christine Goforth(23:16.712)
And I'm Christine. Bye.

Christine Goforth(23:16.712)
Yeah