The Courage to Be Ordinary

Samantha Bauer(00:00.898)
Welcome back everyone to Sisters in Law of Attraction. I'm Sam. And if this is your first time joining us, welcome. And if you you are coming back to us, we're so thrilled you're with us. And Christine, it's again, I just I just it's such a treat. It's I know.

Christine Goforth(00:04.635)
And I'm Christine.

Christine Goforth(00:16.613)
It's so good to see you. I love getting on here and yapping with you.

Samantha Bauer(00:20.63)
Right, right. Well in today's episode we are going to wrap in our discussion of the book, The Courage to Be Disliked. it's the Japanese phenomenon that shows you how to change your life and achieve real happiness by Kashimi and Koga. And Christine, I gotta tell you

Samantha Bauer(00:20.63)
You know, we read a lot of books, right? And we, you know, we're a seeker of knowledge and we love talking about, you know, all the things you know, and creating, you know, that life of joy and gratitude and all of that. But this book challenged me in ways that kind of surprised me, but also

Christine Goforth(00:55.633)
Yes.

Samantha Bauer(00:57.902)
kinda transformational and I hate to be dramatic, but it's it kind of, you know, I as we go through it, I'm gonna be more reflective of kind of how it transformed, you know, how I approach my life.

Christine Goforth(01:12.433)
I can't wait to hear about that because as I was as I was going through some of the themes in it, like, hmm, I wonder I wonder Sam's take because I the the competition and the all of that, it's like hmm and and they go ahead.

Samantha Bauer(01:23.266)
Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(01:27.276)
Yes.

Samantha Bauer(01:27.276)
Yes, exactly. Well and there's and there's there's one in here too that I'm like, I wonder how Christine's gonna feel about this one. Because it's kind of controversial, I think. But anyhow, so it as we've discussed before, the book is organized by you know different nights of discussion. And so we're on the fifth and final night of discussion between a philosopher and a young man. And the young man is unhappy in his life and and he's you know had these conversations with the philosopher and they go through the ad.

Christine Goforth(01:35.228)
I can't wait.

Samantha Bauer(01:57.824)
psychology and which has been really really fascinating to to learn about. I mean honestly I mean obviously I took you know psychology 101 college but I don't remember Adler at all so I mean if I did it just didn't make an impression at the time. It just did not stick. So in this in this final night the young man goes in into the final night questioning the meaning of life.

Christine Goforth(02:07.9)
Sure.

Christine Goforth(02:13.742)
It didn't stick.

Samantha Bauer(02:23.893)
He asks, was I brought into this world to achieve something? And so that kind of sets the you know the conversation. And the philosopher explains that we need to stop the attachment to I and switch to the concern for others. And this is what he calls that community feeling, right?

Christine Goforth(02:43.846)
Yes. Okay. Going from the I to the we.

Samantha Bauer(02:47.573)
Right, correct. And so he he he introduces I think sort of a interesting contrast between and this is where I think you might kind of react to Christine, between self-affirmation versus self-acceptance acceptance.

Christine Goforth(03:01.383)
Yes.

Christine Goforth(03:01.383)
Okay, okay.

Samantha Bauer(03:05.077)
Yeah. So this is kinda this is kinda interesting how he presents he says that self affirmation leads to a superiority complex. He gives the example. I got sixty percent on a test. A self affirmation response would say, I got unlucky. The real me is a hundred percent. Where

Samantha Bauer(03:05.077)
Whereas, right? This is interesting. Whereas the self-acceptance response would say, How should I go about getting closer to that hundred percent? Right. So yeah.

Christine Goforth(03:24.965)
Okay.

Christine Goforth(03:34.309)
Sure. So okay, for the record, if it if my kid brought home a 60%, I would not say like, you're a hundred percent to me, babe. Right? Like, I would say study harder. Did you do your best? I would say, did you do your best? Cause I listen, back in the day, math, woo-hoo-hoo, I know it's the story I tell myself, but also.

Samantha Bauer(03:41.058)
Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(03:41.058)
Right. Right. Right.

Samantha Bauer(03:58.759)
Yeah.

Christine Goforth(04:03.77)
I really am just not good with numbers. Right. So it's like

Samantha Bauer(04:06.035)
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So it's it's it's an interesting concept and and of course it kind of runs counter with, you know what we hear today about, you know, tell yourself in the mirror, right? You're you're smart, you're yeah, I got this, I got this. And then and then we have Ad Adler saying, No.

Christine Goforth(04:20.075)
Right. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am responsible. Yeah.

Christine Goforth(04:28.902)
Don't do that.

Samantha Bauer(04:29.289)
self-affirmation is is false. It is creates a superiority complex that's not based in reality. You need to have self-acceptance. You need to accept who you are in this moment and you know and then sort of go go from there. And and maybe that you know the example he gives is is probably a little too simplistic, but it really it really got me thinking that, you know, that runs counter to you know some of the you know the conventional wisdom out there

Samantha Bauer(04:29.289)
If you will, about affirming who you are versus accepting who you are.

Christine Goforth(04:59.964)
Yeah.

Christine Goforth(05:05.546)
Right. So I do think, and I wonder where the logic is, because when we talk about manifestation, we talk as if which I think manifestation and affirmations go hand in hand a little bit. And in manifesting, we speak as if we already have it. And so I think of affirmations kind of the same thing. Say it until you believe it, right? But I also am a huge fan of

Samantha Bauer(05:19.06)
Sure, sure.

Samantha Bauer(05:23.498)
Exactly.

Samantha Bauer(05:27.947)
Right. Right. Right.

Christine Goforth(05:34.087)
Did you try your best? Are you better than you were yesterday? Did you put all of your effort into whatever it is you're trying to achieve? What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? Be knowledgeable. Like you said, self-acceptance, self-awareness is so important. You can't fix or undo or unlearn or relearn anything if you don't acknowledge and

Samantha Bauer(05:51.307)
Right, right, right.

Christine Goforth(06:01.05)
And become aware of what needs fixing, right? yeah. So I just the the distinction is just so interesting because I have always thought of affirmations in terms of I'm not standing in front of the mirror already necessarily thinking, I am so hot, but like, one day I want to be able to feel that way, so I'm gonna keep telling myself that. That's interesting.

Samantha Bauer(06:04.043)
Right, for sure. And in and so he Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(06:21.089)
Fabulous. Right. Right. Right. So so it's it's very it's very interesting. And like I said, this book challenges so much of, like I said, conventional wisdom or how we've approached our own lives, you know, and you know, the the the the parenting, right? The the parent-child relationship and him really challenging. And I'm like, I don't know about that.

Christine Goforth(06:39.904)
yeah. Mm-hmm.

Samantha Bauer(06:46.401)
But you know, he says on self-acceptance, it's about what we what can one change versus what one cannot change, right? And again, it's just, I guess, just you know, rooted in that sort of reality of what of what you you can change. anyhow, I just thought I was like, okay, here's another concept. And and and also the young man was really resistant, you know, to to to this concept as as well. So

Christine Goforth(06:54.812)
Sure.

Christine Goforth(07:12.38)
Well, and I think that there's something to when you are able to be what am I so f I use the example when I substituted in a physics class for 30 days. I've never I don't physics, I don't science, right? Like whatever, it was freshman in high school. And I went to them and I said, I don't science, I don't math. These are not my strengths.

Samantha Bauer(07:28.427)
Yes, right.

Samantha Bauer(07:28.427)
Right. Right.

Samantha Bauer(07:42.22)
Right.

Christine Goforth(07:42.287)
I can help you with writing. I can help you with any kind of life stuff you might have. I can help you with spelling. I could do a lot. Like, I know my strengths and weaknesses. And I think that when you are aware of that and you can become vulnerable and tell people, people told me all the time, don't when you go into substitute teaching, don't tell them that like you're nervous. Don't tell them it's your first day. And I that's the first thing I did. I'm like, I'll be open and vulnerable with you. And I've yet to have a bad day.

Samantha Bauer(07:46.701)
Right.

Samantha Bauer(07:57.089)
Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(08:05.889)
Right, right. Right.

Christine Goforth(08:11.986)
It's like I think that when you're genuine, it it furthers the community and it allows people to then feel comfortable to be themselves back and

Samantha Bauer(08:12.417)
Well and and I yeah.

Samantha Bauer(08:22.431)
And also, Christine, you hit on an incredible point that we're gonna talk about in a minute. We've already actually talked about it. the philosopher talks about seeing others as your comrades, not your enemies. And that's what exactly what you did with your students. The students aren't the enemy, right? And so if you went in, it's it's me against them, but you came in like you're my comrade, we're creating this community of learning in this classroom. Here's what I can bring to the table, here's what I need from you kind of stuff. That's exactly

Christine Goforth(08:33.35)
Right.

Christine Goforth(08:33.35)
Mm-hmm. No.

Christine Goforth(08:41.212)
Right.

Christine Goforth(08:47.1)
So yeah.

Samantha Bauer(08:52.335)
Exactly what this book is talking about when you build those deep relationships. It is based on the the the sense of community, the feeling of community, the detachment from I, and the concern for others and getting that community feeling. And I think that that actually is a really good example, and it shows I would say really good teaching from like perhaps you know more of a traditional, you know, superior, you know, like we talked about those.

Christine Goforth(09:00.466)
Mm.

Christine Goforth(09:10.834)
Mm.

Christine Goforth(09:18.976)
Sure. Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(09:22.255)
h what am I trying to say vertical relationships. Yes, yes. Exactly, exactly. So no, that's that's an excellent point.

Christine Goforth(09:25.296)
The hierarchy, ararical relationships. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and honestly, it kind of that it I don't know if that bleeds into my parenting or my parenting bleeds into that, but it's just very much a listen, I've never been a mom to a 15-year-old before, and you've never been a 15-year-old before. We're doing this together. That doesn't mean that I'm not the parent and what I say doesn't go. It does. But also

Samantha Bauer(09:42.743)
Right.

Samantha Bauer(09:46.668)
Right.

Christine Goforth(09:51.801)
I'll make mistakes. I've made plenty of them. I will continue to do so. You will also. And it's all gonna be fine. But like, but we're in it together. And I think that's I think that's probably maybe a controversial way to parent because I I think a lot of people are, you know, you're not friends with your kids, and you don't, you know, you're the parent and you're the disciplinarian and all of that. And yes, and also.

Samantha Bauer(09:56.065)
Right.

Samantha Bauer(09:59.924)
Right, we're gonna Right, we're gonna figure it out together.

Samantha Bauer(10:19.234)
Right.

Christine Goforth(10:20.634)
I think that there's space for them to be their own people and have a say in certain things and be able to explain their sides or reasons that they should or shouldn't be able to do something. Like, yeah.

Samantha Bauer(10:28.098)
Right.

Samantha Bauer(10:33.783)
Sure. Well it's yeah, it's called it's called mutual respect, right? You're you respect the child, the child respects you because you it's a little bit of a give and take, right, in that in that relationship and you're giving space for you know mutual respect. so we when he talks about

Samantha Bauer(10:33.783)
Switching from attachment to self to concern for others, the second there's a second concept, and he and it's confidence in others becomes essential. And this is a very interesting concept. he makes the distinction again between trust and confidence. So in Adlerian psychology, interpersonal relations is not it's not found in trust. It's found in confidence because confidence has no set of conditions. So trust is built on a set of conditions. I'm only going

Christine Goforth(11:21.072)
Ooh, okay.

Christine Goforth(11:21.072)
Mm-hmm.

Samantha Bauer(11:24.473)
gonna trust you if you do X, Y, and Z, right? Versus I on its face unconditionally, I have confidence in you. And so I I think that that's a very being able to be confident in others is is really really important in this in this community feeling. So so he says essentially you know if you have if you

Christine Goforth(11:27.739)
Okay, right.

Christine Goforth(11:35.056)
Mm, mm.

Samantha Bauer(11:52.308)
Unconditional confidence to build deep relationships. So you need unconditional confidence to build that deep relationship. If you doubt something, then you will seek evidence for that doubt. So, you know, classic example, right? You know, of you know, girlfriend, boyfriend. And the girlfriend thinks the boyfriend's cheating. So every time he does X, Y, and Z, well, there you go. Right? And so she doesn't have confidence because there's no unconditional confidence. and right, and and so therefore you can't have a

Christine Goforth(12:18.479)
Interesting. Yep.

Samantha Bauer(12:22.191)
Relationship until you unconditionally have confidence in that person. The person doesn't have to prove themselves. They don't have to earn it just on its face. You have to have confidence in others.

Christine Goforth(12:29.284)
Mm. Right.

Christine Goforth(12:36.176)
Well, and how how does one automatically gain confidence in others except to just be yourself and be who you are and show up it show up as a as a contributing community member and and you prove your well, you you don't prove I guess you do prove yourself, but you just show up being you, right? I mean

Samantha Bauer(12:48.331)
Right. Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(12:54.194)
Exactly. And you're exactly right, Christine.

Samantha Bauer(13:02.177)
Right. Self self acceptance, right? It starts right there, right? So if you accept yourself

Samantha Bauer(13:02.177)
And you have confidence in others. And so this is where the he's building on this. And he says, So the goal is self- self-acceptance and confidence in others. Okay. With confidence in others, then you can see them as your comrades, right? We talked about that. With comrades, you have a refuge in a community, and therefore you can say, I belong here, right? And so so he's building this, and you know it's it's the building blocks to this, and we're we're getting to the ultimate, the ultimate point here. so so then he he introduces.

Christine Goforth(13:20.699)
Mm, mm.

Christine Goforth(13:28.058)
Mm.

Christine Goforth(13:33.532)
Sure. yeah.

Samantha Bauer(13:39.484)
The third concept for that community feeling, right? So we again we have self-acceptance, confidence in others. You need a third thing, contribution to others. So it's not about and it's not about sacrificing, you know, for another. It is actually for oneself because it gives you self-worth. If you contribute to others, it gives you self-worth and then connects you to that community, right?

Christine Goforth(13:49.788)
Yes.

Christine Goforth(14:07.292)
Yep. gosh.

Samantha Bauer(14:09.461)
So it and what why this this is important and ca in one place on the other. And it's not like self confidence. Self acceptance comes first, confidence in others come, you know, it in, you know, contribution. It's not linear and it

Christine Goforth(14:22.904)
No, I think it's woven all together.

Samantha Bauer(14:25.133)
Right. It's all kind of part of it. And if you remember the start of the book, right, it's there's there was two things that we we needed to do, right? We needed to have the ability to to live on our own. And what was the other one? The other one was to contribute to society, right? And so that's where that's what this is really all about. And so and and so he says, you know, truly happiness is the feeling of contribution.

Samantha Bauer(14:25.133)
When you're contributing to others or a community, that's where you can find true happiness.

Christine Goforth(15:00.664)
I love that so. I love that so much. And it's funny because I had one of my sisters sent me a message and said, I thought of this. I saw this thought of you in the podcast. And it was a study about basically what

Christine Goforth(15:00.664)
How to be happy, what actually brings happiness. And it's exactly all of the things that I had just looked into, just took notes about all the things. I text her back and I said, this is literally exactly what I just read all about, about the community, about freedom is happiness, but that requires courage. Because it requires courage to be yourself, to show up without perfection.

Samantha Bauer(15:38.731)
Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(15:42.999)
Yes, yes. Right.

Christine Goforth(15:51.943)
Right, to show up and just do the thing whether you're good at it or not. Show up to the the work site and say, I'm terrible with a hammer, but I'm really good at admin. Put me to work. Whatever it is, like

Samantha Bauer(15:52.534)
I

Samantha Bauer(15:57.205)
Right.

Samantha Bauer(16:04.939)
Right, right. Or freedom from trying to get recognition, right? Because when you do that, it's unauthentic and you're living other people's values, right? And so so when you when you talk freedom, there's you know lots of of areas of freedom, you know, in in that.

Christine Goforth(16:10.104)
Exactly. Exactly.

Christine Goforth(16:15.109)
Right.

Christine Goforth(16:20.39)
Yep. The courage to be misunderstood. the courage to well, obviously be disliked, the courage to live authentically as yourself and not according to somebody else's set of values or morals and and truly not caring about judgment from others. Which yeah. Yep.

Samantha Bauer(16:30.157)
Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(16:39.733)
Right. And that's where the true true freedom come comes in. Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(16:39.733)
So he's you know, the the philosopher says to the young man, You are not happy because you don't have a feeling of contribution, and one can only be happy if one has freedom, right? And it's exactly the point you know you just made. And then again, freedom from seeking recognition from others. And so this this next piece I'm gonna read actually from the book, and he says, A person who is obsessed with a desire for recognition does not have any community feeling yet, and has not managed to engage in self-acceptance.

Christine Goforth(16:56.721)
Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(17:15.335)
confidence in others or contribution to others. And so yeah, so he he he goes on to you know to to make that point. And then I think what was kind of cool and interesting is he talks about the courage to be normal. Right?

Christine Goforth(17:33.02)
Yes, I could this when I the a courage to be ordinary, I was like, I think I've been living this my whole life. Not really. Not really, but how that was very interesting to me.

Samantha Bauer(17:39.071)
Yes.

Samantha Bauer(17:44.991)
Yeah.

Samantha Bauer(17:54.634)
Yes. And and and again, contrary to to the world we live in today with social media, everybody wants to be special, everybody wants to stand out. Everybody, you know

Christine Goforth(18:04.814)
Everybody's chasing the thing that they think. And this is also what my sister in the study that she had sent me, and it was people constantly chasing the dream of the promotion, the raise, the house, the bigger house, the vacation home, the vacations, whatever it is. And everybody has a baseline of happiness. And within a certain period of time, whether you lose

Samantha Bauer(18:29.495)
Right.

Christine Goforth(18:33.082)
what I think it their example was losing use of your legs or winning the lottery. You will be back to your baseline of happiness until you realize that those are not the things that are going to bring you happiness. And it was it tied in so well to this. I j I yeah. It just not and I don't think that that means don't don't have ambition, right?

Samantha Bauer(18:48.491)
Right. Right.

Samantha Bauer(18:54.305)
Yeah, it's perfect. It's yeah.

Samantha Bauer(19:01.471)
Right. No, for sure.

Christine Goforth(19:02.02)
I think it just means do it for do it for you because it makes you happy and contribute while you're doing it, right? I mean

Samantha Bauer(19:09.601)
Right. Exactly. Yeah. No. I d yeah, very, very well said. And and you know, he said that if you want to be special, it it's because you haven't accepted your normal self. Right? You're you're you're chasing an image, you're chasing, you know, something that you think that society has said this is the you know the definition of success. So you have to do X, Y, and Z. And so you really and truly need to be chasing being normal.

Christine Goforth(19:22.212)
Mm-hmm. And

Christine Goforth(19:37.744)
Yeah. And whatever normal is for you. Not society's normal, right? Not not what your family thinks is normal, but your own normal.

Samantha Bauer(19:38.837)
And in and exactly. Right. Right.

Samantha Bauer(19:49.334)
Right. Yeah. No, exactly. so we have so much more to talk about and we are not even done with the book. So what what here's what I think we're gonna do. so so the next concept, and I think we'll pick up you know, from this point at the on our next episode, and he talks about, you know, life is a series of moments, and I really, really and truly want to spend because this was when I said transformational,

Christine Goforth(19:57.348)
No

Christine Goforth(20:15.154)
Mm-hmm.

Samantha Bauer(20:16.823)
I think that this book came at the exact right time for me, you know, given the challenges in in my life currently. And so, anyhow, we have to give give it its due. So Yeah, so we're gonna pick up on at this at on the life is a series of moments in our next episode. But for now, we're gonna leave it there. So thank you so much for joining us on Sisters in Law of Attraction. I'm Sam.

Christine Goforth(20:20.476)
Mm-hmm.

Christine Goforth(20:25.37)
I can't wait. Okay. Yes, I can't wait to dig in.

Christine Goforth(20:43.694)
And I'm Christine. Bye.

Samantha Bauer(20:45.503)
And we'll see you next time. Bye.